There are days when you feel invincible, at the top of your form, facing world full of challenges head-on and emerging indomitable. And then there are days when the same you turns out to be a completely different man, beaten, spirits down and a small push tumbling you down. It’s amazing how one moment you feel you rule, that you are at the top, and that it couldn’t go any higher, and at that very moment since it can’t go any higher, the scales tip and you come roaring down. You can take that in your stride, too, if the downfall ends soon, but this time, the downfall has been going on for quite some time. I hope that this dipping in the level of spirits will stop now, stop tomorrow, or maybe the day after, but everyday I get up, the day that’s gone seems better and the morning of each new day seems to bring only bleaker and bleaker frame of mind.
Thankfully, right now, I can feel. I feel this moment, I can feel every moment and I know these moments aren’t good enough, that I need something better, and that I’ve to make some efforts to make it better. More than the optimism and the presence of the will to turn it around, I am thankful for being able to feel. This is important ‘coz the moment that stops as well, I will be emotionally dead. There’s already an ongoing struggle where I am facing my emotional demons for keeping them inside too long, for that turned me into a numb-wreck …that I was dead emotionally for a long time, that I couldn’t feel anything for past few years is the thing that really scares me. The reason’s simple. ‘Coz that made me blank out on quite a few wonderful memories and some of the best years of my life. Though I would say I’ve learnt a lot from those years, been there, done that, and thankfully survived all that, I wouldn’t want to go through that numbness again.
So, I hope this goddamn feeling of desperation ends soon enough. I’m sick of the heart, which is on burn and the eyes which are blazing mostly. I’m sick of blaming my fate. My mind resembles a battlefield right now and I’m sick of going through phases of masochistic carnage it has unleashed.
This may not be a very happy post for a first timer, but this blog will be a reflection of what I’m feeling or going through, and hence, there will be no mincing of words.
In hope of better times…